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Parents Use Facebook to Monitor Kids: Spying or Safeguarding?

A recent Laptop magazine poll showed 55 percent of parents admitted to monitoring their children on social network sites like Facebook. The term “spying” was used; are parents overprotective and nosy or are they safeguarding their kids?

Poll results said 41 percent of parents check their children’s status updates, 39 percent check their children’s wall posts and 15 percent have sent friend requests (4 percent were rejected). Another 13 percent say that they have used friends’ accounts to check up on their children.

What does Facebook say about children’s accounts? Thirteen is the minimum user age. Parents who allow underage kids to use Facebook are lying for them. Many kids get Facebook accounts without parental knowledge or permission. Facebook bans 20,000 underage users every day.

Even at 13, a child is vulnerable on social networks. Unless a profile is set to private, anyone can send a friend request to and interact with another Facebook user, regardless of age. Groups can be set to allow only users 18 or older to access, but many don’t use that function. Ultimately, most all Facebook applications and activities are available to kids at age 13.

Does parental monitoring constitute spying, or just common sense? Given that a parent is responsible for a child until age 18, it can’t be called spying to check up on children. By definition, spying (tracking, stalking) would only apply to adults monitoring other adults or children not in their care.

Are parents who monitor their child’s Facebook accounts overprotective or just protective? Most kids love social network sites. They may post things on their profiles that they won’t (but should) tell their parents. Kids don’t necessarily avoid telling parents because they are afraid of parental reaction. Children have an innate sense of what parents would approve of, and what they wouldn’t. This gut instinct may indicate that what the child is doing online isn’t safe or healthy.

A child may say that what he posts is none of his parents’ business, but he can’t know what information his parents need to know to keep him safe. Kids aren’t always the best just of what or who is safe and what or who isn’t.

Several months ago, our daughter was caught chatting with an 19-year-old online. She is 13. She acted embarrassed when we confronted her, but she protested his innocence and repeated how nice he seemed. We explained that it wasn’t appropriate for a 19-year-old to interact with a 13-year-old. It had nothing to do with this particular person, it was about unsafe habits.

The concern I have with the Laptop study responses are the parents who said they’ve used subterfuge to monitor kids. Kids generally understand and appreciate parental concern. They don’t like dishonesty.

Here are parenting guidelines social networks like Facebook. Set clear boundaries and expectations. Mark the account private. Know her friends. Tell her that you will monitor her and why. Idle curiosity is not a good reason. Monitor in a caring, non-threatening way. Don’t expect her to fail. Expect the best but watch for problems.

If you don’t trust your child, ask yourself why not? Has she demonstrated lack of judgment or are you being reactionary? Keep the lines of communication open. If you don’t like her social network behavior, close the account; don’t sneak.

I expect my daughter to list me under “family” on Facebook. She is only allowed to “friend” adults who are relatives and family friends. I don’t read everything she posts, but she knows that I am aware and that I care.

Marilisa Kinney Sachteleben writes from 22 years parenting four children and 25 years teaching K-8,adult and special needs.